If playing feels more like working, why not use that to help get you through to the New Year.  Use the ‘all work no play’ method to your advantage. Work through the anxiety that the thought of attending these social functions may cause by actually ‘working’ through them.  There are several types of jobs that you can acquire that may help you survive this season.

An Actor – Act the part, put on a smile, and recite the lines necessary to interact with family and friends. Some examples are, “How was your year?” “What are your holiday plans?” and “What are your New Years resolutions?”  Everyone at some point ‘acts’ like they are having fun.

A Security Guard –If mingling isn’t your thing, this may be the perfect job for you. Security is important at all parties because this is the person that watches over everything. Do the rounds, fill people’s cups, and pass out hors d’oeuvres. This makes it easy to engage in small talk without having to commit to any real conversations. “Would you like some more wine?” “ The food is great.”

A Doctor – Doctors often just ask a lot of questions without having to engage in a lot of dialogue.  “How are you doing” “Where are you from?” “How’s the family?”  Preparing a list of simple generic questions will reduce anxiety and be good smooth conversation starters.

A Politician – “Speak softly and carry a big stick” Teddy Roosevelt had the right idea.  You don’t have to be the loudest one in the room, sometimes it makes sense to just nod and smile. And for the big stick, maybe try a strong handshake instead.

A Historian- “Smile!” Be the person who takes all the pictures. It is easy to walk around behind a camera. If tensions build, just snap a picture. Than you can move on. This job requires very little commitment to any one location or person.

Acquiring a new job may be a great start to helping you cope with the upcoming events.  In addition to the above advice, remember to:

Use self-talk to remind yourself that your uncomfortable thoughts are a way that your mind overreacts to normal life events.  It is also important to sit through uncomfortable feelings, as most feelings quickly pass, rather than running away from them and making them stronger.  You can always look to your family and friends for support.  So pick a job that works for you and have some fun.

By: Jason Spielman, Psy.D.

Like in most things in life, the way of immediate gratification is very seldom the best way.  Junk “sugar rush” food tastes awesome, but even though it’s hard, many of us try to figure out a way to not be fooled by fleeting pleasurable sensations and make well-reasoned dietary decisions that will allow us to live longer, healthier lives.  Similarly, making emotion rather than reason-based parenting decisions can prevent our children from developing the skills necessary for them to function at their best level in the long run.  Is it possible to learn to apply more reasoned thinking to parenting in the same way we can to our food choices?  It’s not easy, but here is a first positive step you can take toward this goal.

Step One: Parenting With a Purpose

As a parent, your ultimate job can’t be to make things easier for your child today: the focus must be on teaching them the to have the character and skills they will need tomorrow and for the rest of their lives.  If your child is too pleased with all of your decisions, you can be sure they are not going to learn much from them.  Have the courage to examine your parenting actions with fearless honesty and see how they match your highest value system, meaning the ideals you believe are truly the most important for you and your family.   For example, if you are buying your child a new gadget they are begging for even though their present behaviors and attitudes indicate a lack of respect for their parents or their responsibilities in life, think again.   Is this really the right parenting decision?

Once you have defined your purpose as a parent, you will have a solid foundation to work on your next goals in raising your child.  It might help to write down how you want to complete the following statement:  My purpose as a parent is:

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By: E. Katia Moritz, Ph.D., ABPP

Although Lady Gaga might recount experiences of being teased and ostracized because she was different, she is nonetheless a living example of transforming a problem into an asset, in the process becoming a global icon.  She shows the power that can result when a person is simultaneously self-accepting and- borrowing from the immortal words of Mahatmas Gandhi- “becomes the change they want to see in the world.”

Undoubtedly, it is important to be accepting of how you are.  At the same time however, it is equally important to know that you are also free to change and develop.  The worst thing would be to feel restricted and “stuck this way.”  Lady Gaga hasn’t been limited, to say the least, by the way she was born, no one else should be either.

By: Jonathan Hoffman, Ph.D., ABPP

Instead, try a different approach. Think about waiting not as wasted time but as precious moments. If you are waiting without any companions, so much the better. Savor waiting like it’s the best experience you ever had. Actually try and slow time down as if you are on an exclusive vacation that you never want to end.

This is an example of the power of reframing- turning a stressful situation around by finding more constructive ways to think about it until you feel better. See if you can do this the next time you have to wait. I’ve been waiting for someone for quite a while right now and am enjoying it immensely. Really. Anyway, I used the time to write to you about waiting.

Written by Jonathan Hoffman, Ph.D, ABPP

Ask someone with OCD to try sitting still.  Almost immediately, they will report that their bodies feel like moving in some way.  It could be clenching or unclenching their hands, pushing their knees or feet together, or flexing their entire bodies as if they are a body builder trying to do the “most muscular” pose.  They might mask these urges under the guise of scratching an itch.  Sometimes they are aware of these processes; often times they are not.

This is a big reason why individuals with OCD often feel fatigued.  They are exhausted from constant physical and mental tension.

What comes of all their motions?  If people with OCD are being honest with themselves: usually nothing.

Ironically, learning to truly do nothing is a meaningful goal for a person with OCD. That’s why practicing having unwanted urges or thoughts while refraining from any actions is an important aspect of OCD treatment.

Written by Jonathan Hoffman, Ph.D., ABPP

Is this policy wise or misguided?  My vote is for misguided.  Misguided in the same way that unwarranted grade inflation and “everyone gets a trophy” policies are in  academic settings and children’s sports leagues that send a mixed message- play to win, but in the end “everyone’s a winner.”  Really?  Even children understand that this isn’t reality and pretending like it is a load of you know what.

What’s going on here is diluting what “success” means, underestimating children, underestimating parents, as well as a failure to understand how children learn, and forge the character that results in bone fide achievement.  In the time of England’s world domination it was said that this country’s battles were won on the playing fields of Eton, an elite school that vigorously promoted intellectual and athletic competition among their students.  The downside of the approach in that era was that it also fomented brutality and probably traumatized many who could not keep up or were ostracized.   The challenge we face in our present culture is how to not throw out the baby with the bathwater, meaning, developing institutions and policies that teach children the truths of life and fortify them for their futures in a positive and inclusive manner.

Written by Jonathan Hoffman, Ph.D, ABPP

However, is a MHD good for your mental health?  On the positive side, taking a MHD seems better than risking a breakdown or acting-out in some inappropriate or self-defeating manner, e.g. telling the boss, or one of your co-workers, what you really think of them.  A MHD can also restore a sense of control over your own life.  Further, it might help you catch up on chores or social obligations that have been put off due to your work schedule.  Taking an MHD can be a temporary, private way of blowing off some steam.  Additionally, perhaps, it can also be a stopgap to exhaustion, depression, or anxiety by providing much needed rest, especially if you spend your MHD sleeping in or just being a couch potato and watching hours of mindless TV.  After an MHD, it’s conceivable that you could return to work with a sense of renewed energy or motivation, maybe even with a creative idea or two.

So, what’s the downside of taking a MHD?  Here’s the problem- no matter how much you justify or rationalize (e.g. “I deserve a day off,” “It’s like a gift to myself,” or “One day won’t matter.”), a MHD is still an avoidance behavior.  While avoidance behaviors are appealing because they provide immediate gratification and tension reduction (think having excessive alcoholic beverages, over-eating, or going on a shopping spree as well as procrastinating), the relief is very likely to be fleeting and inversely related to learning positive coping skills.  How soon after taking an MHD will you need another one?  The answer to this question will often be, “very soon,” if your reasons for requiring an MHD remain unresolved.  Unfortunately, avoidance behaviors are quite reinforcing and therefore tend to become self-perpetuating.  In fact, they can rapidly become habitual, particularly if you happen to be in workplace culture where those around you tend to avoid rather than face their issues.  Often, poor coping skills can be contagious and detrimental to the bottom line in any enterprise.  This cannot help anyone’s job security- especially in this era of downsizing and cost cutting.

The urge to avoid stressful circumstances is natural and functionally related to escape responses needed for those literally dangerous situations that require unreflective action, like getting out of the way of a vehicle headed straight for you.  Similarly, you also need your inherent avoidance/escape system if your work or life situation is truly putting your mental or physical health at direct risk, or you are being exploited or abused.

There is a major flaw in developing a habit of avoiding stimuli that are not preferable, uncomfortable, or relatively minor, as opposed to actually dangerous.  When this occurs, it’s as if you are teaching yourself to respond to a danger “false alarm”.   Eventually, as this tendency generalizes, you may have a hard time distinguishing a real danger from a symbolic danger, or no real danger at all.  Moreover, by responding to false alarms with real-life avoidance behaviors, you are likely inadvertently making yourself more sensitive to stress in the same way that if you eschew places with large crowds you may eventually find yourself defining even a small group of people (or ultimately, like a hermit, just one other person) as an uncomfortable “crowd.”

Consider then, if you will, re-conceptualizing the Mental Health Day.  Instead of avoiding work or a burdensome responsibility, it may be more fruitful to gear up to engage approach and mastery behaviors instead.  You can start by analyzing the stressful problem.  Is it the amount or type of activity?  Do you lack a necessary skill or set of skills?   Perhaps it’s more a matter of perception, meaning your thoughts and attitudes in relation to the activity are erroneous.  Another factor to consider is whether you feel sufficiently supported or appreciated in your workplace.  In some cases, it may be more than one these reasons, or maybe you’ll conclude it’s all of them put together like a bad dream in which all your worst fears are manifested.

Once you have established the issue, or issues, you are ready to come up with an approach.  Isn’t it fitting that the word, “approach,” is an antonym of avoidance?  For example, if it’s basically the amount or type of work that is the problem, or if you feel unappreciated or being left hanging out to dry on your own, you can strategize how to constructively and assertively talk about this to your supervisor or employer.  If you are the boss, maybe you have to re-evaluate your time management skills, learn how to delegate, do some hiring, admit that you can’t do everything, or maybe are just spread too thin.  If you are in over your head in reference to your skills, be honest with yourself and take steps to rectify this deficit.  Learning how to positively reframe situations and modify your attitude as well as negative self-talk is what’s called for if, when all is said and done, it’s you that’s stressing you out by the way you are processing your life experiences.  Developing these kinds of understandings and strategies doesn’t happen overnight but are certainly doable with consistent effort and practice.  Certainly, the sooner you start the better.

Next, it’s time to fight the temptation of avoidance and put your approach skills into effect.  If your current situation has exceeded your present individual resources, or if it’s a complex case of “all of the above” overwhelming you, you can opt to seek help, e.g. a therapist or career counselor.  A well-trained, experienced therapist can work with you on enhancing self-awareness, developing new coping skills or bolstering already existing ones, learning how to modify self-defeating thought patterns or maladaptive behaviors, and improve assertiveness and other communication skills.   Whether you are endeavoring to improve your present work situation or are considering a major life change like finding a new job, it’s often beneficial to have an objective professional’s input.  Friends can help too with the caveat that they may tend to be supportive at the cost of not helping you see the other side or fearing that they will damage the relationship if they disagree too vociferously with your perspective.

Are you ready to re-define the Mental Health Day?  This means that in the future, when you need an MHD, instead of taking the day off you can choose to think something like, “I guess this means it’s in my interest to keep showing up at work and figure out either how to improve my coping skills or take constructive actions toward finding a better situation.”  Then you can face the day and get to work.  Although at first this will be the more difficult decision, the good news is that by approaching the problem rather than taking an MHD, you will be more likely to come to some kind of resolution.   This will help you develop the more advantageous habit of working through your life issues as opposed to what amounts to “hiding your head in the sand.”  Eventually, a Mental Health Day can cease being a self-defeating day off of work, but rather a Day to Practice Mental Health in the workplace.

Written by Jonathan Hoffman, Ph.D, ABPP

From the father’s point of view, aside from realizing piled up garbage is unsanitary and smelly, his son’s old enough to understand that, in life, there will be many things that he is not interested in doing but nevertheless should do anyway.  “This is called a responsibility,” says Dad.  The parent could probably mention a litany of examples of what he has done for his son over the years that he wasn’t interested in doing- like sitting through the second Transformers movie.  However, this might sound like just another lecture, in one ear and out the other.  Also, let’s bear in mind that social understanding is one of the last neurological capacities that develops, often in the latter part of High School, or even well after.

Consequently, and lacking real insight into what the father is trying to convey, the son will no doubt have his own perspective.  If he takes a moment to think about it, he may actually be perplexed why his father does take out the garbage or any of the many thankless tasks that are the opposite of interesting.  Through his eyes, at his age, the adult world is incredibly boring.  Adults rarely play video games, or hang out with their friends, and they complain a lot about how much they have to do.  They just want to pass on their frustrations to their children by making them sit in the same old tedious classes and do the same meaningless chores they had to do when they were kids.  Why should he want any part of it?  The son says, “I’m only going to do interesting things in my life, I don’t want to be like you, trust me.” Besides, the son says, “you hardly ever take out the garbage, usually Mom does.”  He might also go on to say, “Do you ever use World History in your life, Dad?”

Upon reflection, father will get son’s point.  He does do a lot of boring, repetitive things.   He is often stressed out from trying to keep up with mundane tasks of life, like paying the bills. Why does he want so badly for his son to do schoolwork he does not enjoy and finds purposeless?  For that matter, why shouldn’t his son only do what interests him in his life?  Isn’t that part of the American Dream?  Why does his son, or anyone’s son, or daughter, really need to take out the garbage?  It’s just as important for the father as his son to be clear about the answers to these questions, maybe more, because if the parent lacks clarity and the ability to communicate effectively about this issue, what chance has the son?

Of course, “taking out the garbage,” used in this context, is metaphorical.  Also, it’s a given that some children are growing up in homes where there are cleaning people, and those in the family do limited household chores.

Here are some thoughts, for parents and young people, about why comprehending the concept of “taking out the garbage” is essential.

• Imagine a home where, literally, nobody ever takes out the garbage.  The result is obvious.  Similarly clear are the consequences of not taking care of the figurative garbage in our lives.  The unmet responsibilities would pile up, eventually becoming overwhelming and unmanageable.  For instance, every so often we read about someone, even a celebrity, who has not paid their taxes and is facing dire personal and legal problems.  Failing to pay your taxes accurately and on time is an example of how not understanding “taking out the garbage” in the abstract can backfire in real life.

• It’s possible to confuse garbage for treasure, and treasure for garbage, especially when you’re young.  Just as hoarders see value in possessions that others would characterize as junk, young people may perceive value in endless hours on a PS3, and fail to see merit in Math or Science, even World History.  Missing out on the “treasure” of a good education is something that many come to regret as they realize how limited their college and career options are, and how ill prepared they are for success in the adult world.  Also, you never know when something you learned in school will turn out to be relevant.  Knowing something about the French Revolution could come in handy on a sales call if your client turns out to be a history buff. But more importantly, even knowledge that has no apparent market value provides a context and foundation for everything else you learn as well as your capacity to think critically.  A case example is sports participation.  Playing sports when you are young teaches many positive attitudes and behaviors that are applicable throughout your life, even if you never play, let alone become a pro when you get older.

• Character development and positive values can come about as a result of an epiphany or one critical defining moment (e.g. surviving a major accident or illness, or getting in a lot of trouble), but more often, a solid character is the result of many small behaviors, like taking out the garbage or it’s equivalent, occurring over the course of a long period of time.  All the seemingly little responsibilities and sacrifices made during childhood and adolescence add up to enduring habits of “doing the right thing” and living a life filled with purpose, patience, conscientiousness, persistence, sense of priorities, and a positive value system.”

• We live in a world where emotional and social skills may predict success at least as much as sheer intelligence or technical abilities.  Therefore, being proficient in social networking, understanding teamwork, being able to work within the hierarchy of authority, and being group minded, whether at home or in school, are extremely important.  Taking out the garbage is part of team-building and prepares one for the inevitable times when you will be asked to see beyond your own needs and “take one for the team.”  Taking out the garbage, so to speak, teaches valuable lessons in humbleness and reduces self-centeredness and self-aggrandizement.  This will decrease the probability of becoming pseudo-adults, that is, aging chronologically but being fixated in an adolescent way of thinking and behaving.  Don’t worry about young people losing their equally valuable rugged individualism and pride in self; many of the so-called millennial generation have ego to spare and, if anything, will err in overvaluing their abilities and probabilities of success.

• It’s ironic, but taking out the garbage tends to increase self-worth.  People feel best when they are developing competencies and making contributions to their own life or to the lives of others.  In contrast, avoiding taking care of the boring, annoying, or inconvenient tasks of life provides only temporary relief and actually lowers self-respect in the long run.  When you spoil or enable young men or women, there can be lasting collateral damage to their self-confidence and hard to be replaced windows of opportunity to learn valuable life lessons.

In the high-tech world of information processing, there’s an adage- GIGO.  It means Garbage In, Garbage Out.  In the low-tech world of everyday life, our young man who does not see the worth of his World History class would do well to keep in mind the principal of GOFI, meaning Garbage Out, Functioning In.  Otherwise, he is likely to find his world becoming a pretty stinky place.

Written by Jonathan Hoffman, Ph.D, ABPP

So, this year, my various clocks and timepieces are staying put.  One problem is that the time shown on my iPhone adjusted automatically while I slept and I lack the techno-savvy to correct this.  No matter.

I wonder what will happen tomorrow?  Should I notify my office staff and therapy patients (most will no doubt dependently will switch to the “approved” time and mindlessly expect everyone to just play along?  I will compliment the ones who, like their psychologist, are independent thinkers.  I will note that they are showing real growth in their therapy).   Some of my colleagues will think I’ve gone off the deep end again with my insistence on individual rights and personal autonomy, no matter what the ensuing chaos or costs.  They will no doubt remind me of when I challenged their group-think of “professional attire” and started coming to the office in cruise wear.  Again, no matter, what is good for the individual is always good for the group in the long run.  Right?

As I continue to show up on “my time,” others will join me or be branded as time traitors.  I can already anticipate being a guest on the Fox News Channel.  Got to go now.  I’m off to my gym on my opening time, not the one they have had dictated to them by the public time option.   I’ll just wait, ahead of my time, as usual.

Written by Jonathan Hoffman, Ph.D, ABPP

Like computers, our brains have “hardware,” in the form of intricately connected organic structures.  Neural “software” includes inborn programs and learned programs (e.g. which fork to use at a fine restaurant).  However, the essence of who we are may exist in something akin to a neural cyberspace.  Let’s call this our cyber-self.  Like the Internet, this inner world cannot be touched or observed directly but nevertheless exists.  Religious perspectives aside, how this cyber-self originates and the exact nature of its connection to the physical brain are unclear.  However, since each person’s brain and cyber-self do communicate, let’s imagine they do so via something analogous to a “Wi-Fi” connection.

The information in our brains is like the information on the Internet.  At any given time on the Internet, individuals only see the information they have actively browsed or what has “popped in,” unsolicited, onto their screens.  This is certainly also the case when it comes to interacting with our cyber-self.  When it comes to their own cyber-spaces, people are cognizant of what they purposively think about or what cognitions or images enter their awareness triggered by internal and external stimuli and sometimes for unknown reasons.

“Bugs,” in our brain functioning, cyber-self, or both wreak havoc.  Neural “hardware” and “software” bugs are associated with many medical and psychiatric problems.  Bugs in cyber-self are problematic too.  Can our own cyber-selves become corrupt, a mush so disrupted and degraded by life that erroneous data becomes indistinguishable from the good stuff?  Can your cyber-self, like a suddenly popular but unprepared website, be overwhelmed by so many cognitions and emotions that it “crashes?”  Is this what a nervous breakdown is?

Perhaps the cyber-self is fine but the “Wi-Fi” connection is the problem.  A person with a strong connection to cyber-self, one that prides itself on good character and values knows who they are and what they will and will not do (this, of course, is topsy-turvy in a criminal, sociopathic, or self-deluded cyber-self).  A vacillating hook-up with cyber-self may correlate with opportunistic behaviors and a shifting value system.  A signal that is subject to surges and “hang-ups” could characterize those who are mercurial and reactive.  Passivity and being easily influenced might be associated with weak connectivity.  Statements such as “I don’t know who I am anymore,” or, “I’m losing touch with myself” typify those whose connection to cyber-self is attenuated.

In this time of economic and social uncertainty, it seems appropriate for all of us to check our systems.  Hardware and software “checkups” are essential for physical and mental health; examining cyber-self proper and one’s connection to it are needed for spiritual and ethical health.  How many of the problems and irrationalities in our political, financial and health systems are reflective of vacillating, volatile, weak, or lost connection to “best practices of self” in addition to vacillating, volatile, weak, or lost connection to best practices in one’s area of expertise?

What is the remedy? In the past, before the explosion of technology, some spoke of “getting their heads together,”  “taking some time to find themselves.” Maybe they were really on to something.  This seems to be a “no brainer” for us all and particularly important for political, business, and health system leaders.  If we spend some time debugging “viruses” in ourselves, maybe we stand a better chance of de-bugging our society.  If the guidance systems of our leader’s are dysfunctional, what are the chances of their becoming interactively networked with the cyberspaces of their constituents, employees, clients, or those whose health is in their hands? In the final analysis, it may turn out that as cyber-self goes, so goes everything else.

Written by Jonathan Hoffman, Ph.D, ABPP